The ‘One Moment’ Makes All The Difference
About six months ago I had a moment that held in my memory.
I had just gotten out of the elevator after swiping in to my college dorm room. I was exhausted. (I don't remember why)
All I was thinking about was taking my jacket off, lying down, and falling asleep in my bed. It was 8 in the evening and I was ready to put an end to whatever had kept me up for the past 24 hours.
I unlocked the door to my apartment and slumped inside. Dropping my backpack, I walked lazily to my bed. Seeing the warm sheets beckoning me was one of the happiest moments I could imagine.
At that moment a very unwelcome thought entered my head. It struck me and sent a pang of discomfort, disgust, and near dread through my core and down my leg.
For the past few months I had gone to the gym every other day. Today was my day to go, and if I hit the hay now the gym would close before I could arrive. Heck, if I fell asleep now I would sleep through to the next day anyway.
I stood there just looking at my bed. It was all I had been thinking about for the past day and preceding night. All I wanted was to lie down.
At that moment, I knew that the right thing to do was go to the gym.
If I didn't I would just be giving in to my little 'tired' feeling.
I would also feel guilty the next day having proven to myself that a little discomfort was enough to knock me off track.
Oh god all I wanted to do was lie down, but at that moment I felt something solidify within my body. I knew that I was going to the gym.
I knew I was doing it because it was my goal and completing my goals (when they are in my control) is important to me.
At that moment I was very, very unhappy. Damnit! That one moment when I knew I was going to the gym I got very angry. In that moment I kicked my wall very, very hard.
I was about to do something I definitely did not want to do.
Putting on my gym shorts, I felt almost defeated. I felt as if I was 'giving in'. I felt like one part of me was submitting to the will of another. In that moment I felt one part of me wear away at the part that wanted to stay in.
Almost in a 'Yes Master' daze I put in my earbuds and headed for the door. Going back down the elevator I plugged in an audiobook.
Within five minutes I was on the treadmill in the gym. Almost as if in a daze, I had arrived here. I don't remember if I particularly enjoyed my next hour, but it was one small victory over myself.
I'm thinking back in moments like this, and I wonder about their significance.
What I find most intriguing is that I remember that moment as being painful (I remember it clearly to this day) but I don't remember my next hour at the gym.
That moment was more painful than the resulting action. I don't remember what I did in the gym that evening, but I do remember the pain I felt when I knew I was about to go. I remember kicking that wall. I remember how pissed off I was that, exhausted as I was, I was about to go to the gym.
The pain of making the decision is what hurt the most. It hurt so bad for those few moments.
Actually going to the gym that evening, however..... I don't remember a second of it.